The problem with doing what I feel like doing is that sometimes I stop feeling.
It's not the same as when a kid gets bored on summer vacation and "doesn't feel like doing anything". It's more like when a diabetic's feet stop feeling. There might be a point when every feeling feels bad or irritating or painful but there is an even more ominous moment. When the feeling goes away completely.
I can't speak for everyone but there have been a lot of people whom I've spoken with who have the same experience. Nothing is beautiful or lovely or ugly or moving in any way. The things I've always loved to do hold no appeal. Everything is a chore- breathing in and out is exhausting. It's not that we don't care what happens to our children, or the whole world, it's just that we are certain they are better off without us. If I could stop being- I would.
Even better than dying, which would be a total pain in the ass for everyone I love, would be to just cease to exist.
It's not that I want to destroy the whole world and cause everything to end, it's just that I know that relatively soon everything else will be just as exhausted and expended as I am right now. It's mercy. It's really best for ALL of us if we just call it quits, lay down, and stop.
No more moving. No more breathing. No more of all of this exhausting being, for god's sake.
Everything we do gets undone. All that's created gets destroyed. Every fed belly will be hungry again and it's just too much.
I just want it all to stop.
And that is how depression feels to me this time around.