Tuesday

shame

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Why, yes.  Yes I am.

Not just for the "big" stuff.  For the everyday, I really suck as a human being.  I am such a loser.  What in THE EVERLOVING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME stuff.

I cringe when I think back over things I've said, done, worn, eaten.

And shame is the overwhelming theme of my memories.

The worst part of that is I do not think I'm alone.  I think lots of people (especially women) feel the same way.  We are too much- and not enough.  We are longing for connection- but wouldn't chose ourself as our own friend.

Do I have an answer?  Am I going anywhere with this?
Not at the moment.  Right now I'm sitting in my jams in the middle of the night worrying about how much I've screwed up my kids and I'm feeling ashamed of myself.