Consumed with self doubt and worried I was in the midst of a manic episode I asked my partner, "am I crazy?"
The answer; "of course, that's why I love you."
I forget sometimes that crazy is a part of me and he loves all of me. Other people love me too.
How anyone can really love me I'll never understand. I can't stand me most of the time. Often I can't stand anybody. Sometimes I can't stand.
Lots of people around me stay for no good reason. They know I need regular talks off the ledge. I may be Dr. Jekyll or Miss RunAndHide one day or the next. I'm exhausting and exhausted. Most of the people in my tiny chunk of the universe seem to be more ok with who I am than I am most of the time.
Don't hand out any shiny halos just yet. That doesn't mean my friends return my calls, kids come home when I need them, or he is the perfect supportive partner all of the time.
They sometimes say, "why don't you go away for awhile?",
She doesn't always say the right thing or give loving and helpful answers or advice. They occasionally tell me to suck it up and get over it. His default reply is often, "you should probably talk to a professional about that". It's insulting, insensitive, and correct and it pisses me off.
When you are dealing with mental illness it's especially important to surround yourself with people you can trust. There needs to be someone on your side who will tell you the truth. Someone you can trust to look out for your needs when you aren't doing a good job of it. Someone with a prescription pad is pretty helpful too.
My best suggestion is to gather a squad, a posse, a team.
First, make a deal with someone whom you love that they can always tell you the truth- even when it hurts. You do not always see clearly- that is part of the definition of mental illness.
Something is busted.
Next, enlist a good medical professional. Find a doctor who listens and doesn't just plow through drugs until you're numb enough not to know or care how you feel.
The next team member can be the hardest. You need a counselor or therapist of some description. Odds are you didn't get here by yourself- you aren't going to get out of it alone either. Even if your diagnosis is primarily a medical one, you need to do some talking. You also need to know you can listen to someone who has their shit together more than your friends, family, and whatever you're watching on TV.
Don't think you are the only person in the world who doesn't have 3 people on your side.
You are not.
Good friends are tough to find. Loving family seems to be an exception instead of a rule. A doctor who listens and finds the right meds or therapy might be expensive or have a long wait list.
If you don't have all of the above, then you need to start today by having just one friend. And if you can't find one to call or sip coffee with, if there is nobody in your family you can lean on, if you have never been to see a counselor or a doctor.... then start here. I will be your friend.
Though a virtual relationship might not seem like much, maybe it's an ok place to start.
Know that there is SOMEBODY here that understands how low and crazy and unlovable and desperate you really feel. I'll be here for you. We can be crazy alone together.