Why write at 4am?

 This is NOW.  This is me, always the way I am.... guilty, ashamed, sorry, desperate.

So I am awake at a stupid hour wishing I could fix everything that makes me feel guily

stupid

sorry

desperate

 and... inspired.

I have been reading the autobiography of a successful man.  I wondered why he wrote and why I want to write as well.  As it turns out, I want to be successful too.  Maybe telling the stories will make the guilt, shame, and sorrow go away.  Maybe someone will read what I write and I will feel worthy, important, or forgiven. Maybe my kids will read it and understand that I am the complete mess that they know but also something more.  Maybe it will help someone else, just like all of the things that I read seem to help me in just the way I need helping even though I haven't known I needed.

But how can I do it when the editing will never get done?  The post never gets posted.  The passwords are forgotten and everything has to be started and restarted.  How?  NO CLUE But here we go anyway.

If you are reading this, know that I was thinking of you when I wrote it.  If you know about this it is because I miss you and wish we could talk face to face.  If you are reading this you are a friend.

I don't do friendship well.  But it really is ME, not you.  I am selfish and inconsistent and spend too much time talking and not enough listening. or being quiet.  So, those are some of the reasons I feel guilt, shame, and failed.  But there is more.  There has to be.

Maybe I am just talking to myself, but I am glad you are with me. 

Woke

I’ve been asleep.  That’s a metaphor- but it’s 2am, so it’s also a lie.

It’s funny, not "ha ha" funny but “gotdammit, how could this be?!” funny.

I’m trying to do just what I am teaching one of my customers (a heroin addict) to do.  Be like a baby.  Learn to sleep and night and be awake most of the daytime. Stay clean and dry.  Watch Mr. Rogers and chill TF out.  Also, be an adult. Make a list, get shit done, vacuum the rug, walk the dogs.  Be nice to your family.  Repeat.

When things are going wrong it can feel like nothing will ever be right again.  Things change.  Feelings lie.  Time marches on.  That's what keeps me going sometimes, just knowing it won't always be like it is right now.  Even if things aren’t going to be alright soon, they will be and you will be.  It's what I tell the addict who is trying to get her shit together and it's what I tell myself. 

I am a mess too.  I can hardly keep straight the days the week sometimes. Ask me when my last doctors appointment was, go ahead, ask-  I DON’T KNOW. Maybe a month ago maybe a year ago… I’m not quite sure.  Do NOT ask me when the next one is… that’s like trying to remember to refill the Adderall.  Let’s not diagnose me though, I’m just messy. And so are you.

How do I know that?  Because you are reading this.  (or maybe you’re just reading this because I asked you to read this.)

So, don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. ...unless you write blogs in the middle of the night instead of doing what you tell addicts to do.  In that case I will judge the shit out of you.  But not here.  Not now. 

I’m awake.  I’ve been dreaming all of these wonderful things that I want to share with you.  Sometimes it may sound like the falling-from-an-airplane-in-a-car-then-I-turned-into-a-butterfly dream.  Sometimes it might sound like the same dreams you have had.  Fair Warning; it might be a few nightmares…  but we will be ok.   

Imma do what I was made to do.  Sit alone in the dark and type furiously at a keyboard until one of us feels better.  And sleep at night.  Most of the time.