I’ve been asleep. That’s a metaphor- but it’s 2am, so it’s also a lie.
It’s funny, not "ha ha" funny but “gotdammit, how could this be?!” funny.
I’m trying to do just what I am teaching one of my customers (a heroin addict) to do. Be like a baby. Learn to sleep and night and be awake most of the daytime. Stay clean and dry. Watch Mr. Rogers and chill TF out. Also, be an adult. Make a list, get shit done, vacuum the rug, walk the dogs. Be nice to your family. Repeat.
When things are going wrong it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. Things change. Feelings lie. Time marches on. That's what keeps me going sometimes, just knowing it won't always be like it is right now. Even if things aren’t going to be alright soon, they will be and you will be. It's what I tell the addict who is trying to get her shit together and it's what I tell myself.
I am a mess too. I can hardly keep straight the days the week sometimes. Ask me when my last doctors appointment was, go ahead, ask- I DON’T KNOW. Maybe a month ago maybe a year ago… I’m not quite sure. Do NOT ask me when the next one is… that’s like trying to remember to refill the Adderall. Let’s not diagnose me though, I’m just messy. And so are you.
How do I know that? Because you are reading this. (or maybe you’re just reading this because I asked you to read this.)
So, don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. ...unless you write blogs in the middle of the night instead of doing what you tell addicts to do. In that case I will judge the shit out of you. But not here. Not now.
I’m awake. I’ve been dreaming all of these wonderful things that I want to share with you. Sometimes it may sound like the falling-from-an-airplane-in-a-car-then-I-turned-into-a-butterfly dream. Sometimes it might sound like the same dreams you have had. Fair Warning; it might be a few nightmares… but we will be ok.
Imma do what I was made to do. Sit alone in the dark and type furiously at a keyboard until one of us feels better. And sleep at night. Most of the time.
