This is NOW. This is me, always the way I am.... guilty, ashamed, sorry, desperate.
So I am awake at a stupid hour wishing I could fix everything that makes me feel guily
stupid
sorry
desperate
and... inspired.
I have been reading the autobiography of a successful man. I wondered why he wrote and why I want to write as well. As it turns out, I want to be successful too. Maybe telling the stories will make the guilt, shame, and sorrow go away. Maybe someone will read what I write and I will feel worthy, important, or forgiven. Maybe my kids will read it and understand that I am the complete mess that they know but also something more. Maybe it will help someone else, just like all of the things that I read seem to help me in just the way I need helping even though I haven't known I needed.
But how can I do it when the editing will never get done? The post never gets posted. The passwords are forgotten and everything has to be started and restarted. How? NO CLUE But here we go anyway.
If you are reading this, know that I was thinking of you when I wrote it. If you know about this it is because I miss you and wish we could talk face to face. If you are reading this you are a friend.
I don't do friendship well. But it really is ME, not you. I am selfish and inconsistent and spend too much time talking and not enough listening. or being quiet. So, those are some of the reasons I feel guilt, shame, and failed. But there is more. There has to be.
Maybe I am just talking to myself, but I am glad you are with me.
